Helpline
I like this from Charme.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you suffer from Co-Dependency, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personality Disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, please head directly to the nearest A & E. Nothing we say will make a difference anyway.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from Low Self-Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to take your call.
A mixture of law, politics, autobiography and humour. Once described as "The Devilish Advocate" (Guardian), I do have the ability to provoke a response. Sometimes it comes from someone who uses a thought process, and sometimes from jerks usually associated with the knee.
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