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Monday, May 21, 2007

Exclusive: Home Office secret weapon for detecting future crimes revealed


Tough on future crime, tough on the causes of future crime.

The government has shifted its focus from its failure to tackle present crime, to detecting future crimes and targeting future criminals. It is predicted that the crime statistics will rise as everybody becomes an expert on predicting future criminals. The answer has been staring us in the face all along. Tesco will be selling these all seeing crime kits at £4.99 each, from next Friday. No doubt doubters will doubt the effectiveness of using this hi tech gadget and just say that it is a load of old crystal balls...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps John Reid would have been better using the money he awarded to his "not fit for it's purpose" department in bonuses (As revealed in a written answer in Parliament.) to fighting crime.

maneatingcheesesandwich said...

We've tried bringing them into use already, but sadly the Home Office crystal balls are made of frosted glass, are bolted to the ceiling of a locked office, need 4 car batteries to kick-start them and require the completion of 58 statistical analysis forms (in triplicate) each time you try to find out what you'll be having for tea tomorrow.

jailhouselawyer said...

MECS: When the Parole Board started questioning me in relation to crimes in their heads that they thought I might commit in the future it gets scary.

This reminds me of Stalinist Russia and the Stasi in Germany and the examples in China. All too scary.